Its complicated

Cool under fire. That is difficult. To be cool during difficult circumstances. Imagine, mustering all that grace and civility when all hell is breaking loose and you feel like screaming, cursing and yeah, hitting things and killing certain people. Whew, admirable indeed.
Oh well, people have different temperaments and threshold levels to pain ehehehe. Am sorry to admit that I do not have the talent to control my heart, mind and mouth. I try to be rational when subjected to uncomfortable situations but most often than not, I get irritated and if I crack, my mouth works faster than my brain. Kaya minsan, nasasabak ako sa isang discussion a.k.a shouting match or I say hurtful things which I regret later. I believe in being true to what you feel. Magpakatotoo, sister at huwag magpakaplastik. I do not like pretending to be nicey with anyone that I’d rather never see. Kaya lang yun nga, minsan, nagiging medyo war freak ako. I tend to be offensive, sarcastic and rude to people I really dont like. And thats bad, sabi nga ng mga anak ko.
Ang hirap naman kasi maging mabait. Hindi naman kasi ako manhid. Its difficult to project an image of cool confidence when you feel all your guts have been exposed and you have no one to trust or to lean on. People can at least once in their life succumb to pain, to drown in misery and helplessness, to die within one’s self? Certainly, people can be resilient and have diverse coping mechanisms but surely, strength and resilience can only be stretched so far. There are limits.
Haaay… People say that adversities should make you strong. Parang slogan, "be strong.." "do not lose hope"…. What I mean is, sure, pag may problema ka, magpakatatag ka… Pero wouldn’t it be a lot better if you clear your heart and mind of all pain and anger to be able to think clearly? And to do that? Well, I cry, cry my heart out until my eyes get swollen. I drink coffee like there will be no coffee tomorrow, I smoke till my lungs scream with protest. I hit my walls. I shout, I write, I talk. At my lowest, I look and feel like it. I have to bring it all out. And from that point, I start to make another beginning for myself.
Ah, ewan. being cool under fire is a tall order for me. Its difficult especially when you are subjected to a difficult situation by people close to you, by people you have to deal with everyday at home, work, or in school and by people you love so much. Siguro, there are people capable of being focused and rational even in situations of extreme pressure and stress. Its just that hindi ako katulad nila.

Circulection

Its circus time once again! Everywhere, sa TV, sa mga pader, sa mga radyo, at pag sinuwerte ka, makikita mo sila sa kalye. Eleksyon na naman kaya kabi-kabilaan ang pangangampanya. Actually, bago pa man magsimula ang campaign period ay meron nang mga "patikim" ang ilang politiko. Kanya-kanyang diskarte, mula pagbati noong nakaraang pasko, TV and radio guestings, mga ad re: values ng mga Pinoy, at kung anu-ano pa. Tingnan mo nga ang mga electric posts, mga pader, hitik na hitik sa mga posters at streamers as early as November na ang nakalagay ay "Greetings!" tapos pangalan ng aspiring politiko. Matinding kumarir, ano? Ngayon siyempre lantaran na ang pangangampanya. At siyempre, ngayon, napakabait nila, all smiles, very approachable. Idagdag mo pa na magaganda sila, parang hindi sila yung nasa pictures, ano? Andami na ngang nagsisulputang mga Ads sa TV! Masyado na ngang marami at paulit-ulit na parang nakakainis na lalo na’t like ko pa naman yung show na pinanonood ko.

Nabanggit na rin lang ang mga Ads, its interesting to note na kanya-kanyang strategy ang mga pulitiko na "masundot" ang pulso ng masa. Kanya-kanyang style para maging panalo ang kanilang TV ads. Pero hindi naman kailangang maging jologs para maging makamasa (PST Gang, shut up!). Pero if thats the way to project a "pangmasa" image, they should make it at least, believable. Gagastos na rin lang para sa TV exposure eh sana, maging maayos ang magiging dating nila. Hindi yung basta lang umapir sa TV, marinig ang boses, okey na.

Parang yung ke Mike Defensor, "Tol!" ang ginamit niya. Ah, eh, inalis naman sana niya yung braces niya, binago ng kaunti ang porma, at yung background eh ginawa naman sanang mejo tunay, hindi halatang nasa studio sila. Naman, naglalaba sa kadiliman? Parang hindi bagay na maging ‘tol si MD, "Sir" pa siguro. Sa porma pa lang, kita mo na ang agwat sa antas ng buhay, puro sya wagayway—parang anlayo-layo niya, gusto ba niyang ipakita niya na he’s into reaching out to people or what? Mwehehehehe!

Ang fave ko si Manny Villar. Yung unang Ad niya, straight to the point ang dating niya. At ang dala-dala niyang isyu, uuuyyy, VAWC! Panalo! Peminista ang lolo ko. At maganda ang pagkakagawa ng Ad, promise. Star-studded pa. No frills, ‘ika nga. Ang sumunod eh, nagulat ako, Sumayaw siya! Pogi naman siya kaya mapapatawad ko siya. Sana nga lang, ayusin niya yung serbisyo ng real state business niya, yung sa Camella, kasama ng problema ng buong bayan. Nakow, mahaba-haba ang listahan ng mga reklamo ng mga nagsisising pamilya na nagoyo sa mga slogan na "you made the right choice", "Paborito ng pamilyang pinoy." Substandard kaya (nakow, me bitak-bitak na pader ko, nakakatakot). Kahit ganito ang Camella na pagaari niya, hindi naman siguro ganito ang kalibre niya. Alalahanin na botante ang mga kliyente and we are not really happy with choosing to buy from camella– with all the problems were having living in the community that Camella has been proudly peddling in print and TV ads, we really feel that that we made a BIG mistake. Siguro, try mo Mr. Senate President dalawin ang mga Camella communities, yung magiinterbyu ka at hindi lang sisilip mula sa iyong armoured car para maramdaman mo ang ngitngit ng tao.

Hayop din ang Ad ni Ed Angara. Catchy. "Ang gara ng buhay!" Though mas madalas ko itong marinig na oozing with sarcasm (lalo na sa mga taong gustong mangalipusta ng iba). Pero you have to admit, swak na swak siya sa mga tao dahil hindi lang madaling tandaan ang kanyang slogan kundi yung mga dinadala niya eh gustung-gusto ng karamihan ng mga tao– free education, philhealth, senior citizen discounts. Sino ba naman ang makakatanggi sa mga mga ito? Ang ok din sa Ad niya, hindi siya nagpumilit magpacute. Que horror, dating presidente ng UP, sasayaw to the tune of, say, "totoy bibo"?

Yung kay Chiz eh, for me, so-so ang dating. Parang bitin nga. At parang hindi siya. Ang taray taray pa naman niya sa Kongreso kaya gustong-gusto ko siya kaya lang sa Ad eh, nagpacute talaga siya. Mga kabataan ang gusto niyang makuha kaya siguro ganoon ang pagkakagawa. Sana naman mas maging creative, hindi yung usual na kumakaway with smiling faces. Yung kakaiba naman sana na sapul ang gusto ng masa. Actually, kilala na siya sa mga yuppies, estwudents at iba pang mga propesyunal. Lalo na sa Maynila, lalo na sa UP. Pero sa ibang dako ng Pilipinas, kailangang mapakilala siya. Kahit jologs basta hindi pilit ang dating. Kung jologs yung intent, dapat jologs din siya. Dapat mukhang natural (note: dapat wag gawin sa madilim na background).

Surpisingly, yung kay tessie oreta ay maayos, matindi nga ang concept. At as a mom, win na win yung sinasabi niyang free preschool education. Ang mahal kaya ng pre-school ngayon! Kung mas dumami public preschools, the better! At masang-masa ang dating niya. I remember Gloria doing that, nung nagsuot siya ng salakot ala magsasaka nung tumakbo sya as VP. Siguro she got the idea from the commercials lately, na common tao ang napi-feature. Magaling, magaling, magaling! Nasense niya siguro na by projecting that image (motherly, natural make-up), madaling makarelate sa kanya ang mga tao.

Si Pichay? I got distracted by his big tummy. Sana hindi na lang siya nag-tuckin ng poloshirt. At well, I cant remeber who said it pero I agree, how come he’s running for senator when gusto niya ipabuwag ang senado?
Oks din yung kay Recto. Hindi siya sumayaw. Yung kay Pangilinan, Pangcheering squad yung jingle niya. Lalo na yung kay Zubiri. Magkano kaya ang binayad niya kay Lito Camo? Hit na hit pa naman yung "boom, tarat, tarat." Yung Ad ni Osmena, well, ang serbisyo ng ibang tao ay hindi pwedeng icredit sa iyo kahit kamag-anak mo pa, kapag magaling sila, it would not necessarily mean magaling ka rin. Action speaks louder than words. mwehehehe.

Whew, andami na ngang Ads. Makes you wonder where these politicians get the money to burn, ano? Ang mahal kaya ng airtime sa TV. Well, ang sagot nila sa ganito eh, "thanks for friends and sponsors." Napakarami ata naman nilang rich friends and sponsors, parang bottomless ang mga bulsa. To think, ilang buwan pa silang mangangampanya. Wala pa dito yung gagastusin nila sa pagikot sa bansa, suweldo ng mga tao sa kampanya (come on, I dont believe anyone sa campaign team maski yung mga tagadikit lang eh theyre doin it probono, labor of love kumbaga). and op kors, som of them would need money for miscellaneous expenses.

Circus talaga ang election. Maingay, makulay. Pero kahit anong iniganda ng Ads, posters, ng jingles, everything will be rendered inutil kung hindi naman epektib ang machinery nila. Maari nating sabihin na mataas na ang political awareness ng mga Pinoy and they would be more critical, would certainly look beyond the ads to each individual candidate’s accomplishments and plataporma. Siguro naman hindi na ito magiging popularity and beauty contest. Pero still, kahit na sabihing hindi na basta paloloko ang mga Pinoy, karamihan pa rin ng boboto ay ang mahihirap nating kababayan. At wala rin silbi kung ang mga botante ay walang pera pang pamasahe para pumunta sa mga precinct. May right to suffrage ka nga, wala ka namang pera to exercise it. At ang masaklap pa ay kung iba ang gagamit nito. hehehe. Lalong walang silbi ang lahat kung dadayain naman ang eleksyon. Sayang ang pera, sayang ang effort magkakawrinkles ka pa sa sobra frustration. Nageleksyon pa. Sana nagpublic bidding na lang. Pataasan ng presyo, kumbaga. At least, hindi magkukunwaring pinili sila ng tao.

Kaya Manny Pacquiao, parang awa mo na, wag ka nang makipagboksing sa pulitika.
Disclamer: Mga kapatid, hindi ako nangangampanya or naninira ng sinumang senatorial candidate mentioned above. I am not an expert on TV ads and I dont claim to be one. Am just reacting on the ads as I saw them, stating my personal opinion. And what I wrote above is that, my personal opinion. If I offended anyone, my apologies.

Learning

I got my kids’ report cards today. They got remarkably good grades– to think I see them more at play than studying. I was in a way, nervous, to see their marks this quarter for their lessons are a lot more difficult now. My eldest, Ima, had difficulty catching up with her math lessons. Its understandable. Theyre already into line segments, rearranging and solving addition and subtraction equations and operations of fractions and she’s only in grade one! Man, thats too much! I don’t remember having that when I was in first grade. Siguro mga grade 5 or 6 na. Nakakalula. She got good marks in math though. Buti di nagmana sa akin (O kayong mga mababait kong kaibigan, manahimik kayo diyan!).

Actually, when I first reviewed my kids’ books, I was really surprised with the coverage. Its far too advanced and far too heavy– the kids will be pressured to study and understand everything which during my time, older kids are studying. Not to undermine their capability to absorb for indeed, kids have impressionable minds. What I am concerned about is that their learning are forced to advance. And they are in a school that put kids in a box, tagged with standards of failing and passing. As if kids who cant read and write in the nursery level are not smart at all (of course, if you cant pass all subjects in nursery, you can’t move on to the next level).

Hayyy… Maybe I have been influenced by PST so much– about valuing the varying development stages of each child. Kung bakit naman kasi napakamahal ng mga school na nagaadvocate ng developmental approach ano, tulad ng Waldorf school? Ah, eh, paging , ma’am Beth: pwede kayang maging socialized ang tuition sa waldorf at magtayo ng satellite school sa valenzuela hehehehehe! Hayyyy. In a way, I agree with what a friend said, that maybe mas better ang system noong panahon namin kesa ngayon. Lalo na dito sa Manila. Well, sa National diagnostic tests nga eh,natatalbugan na ng mga schools sa province ang schools sa Manila. Dahil siguro masyadong mabilis ang pagaaral sa Maynila. Too fast for lessons to at least leave a lasting imprint on the minds of the students. Hindi naman mabagal ang pagturo o pagintroduce ng lessons noon. Mas tutok at masinsin ang pagturo.

Anyway, I am just bothered, that’s all. With all the kids are studying in school, I am not sure if they will remember everything in the next quarter. I always tell my kids, its better to understand what they are studying than just memorizing. The should ask questions, read more, and if they didn’t understand, go back to study the topic again. Kahit hindi mabilis, basta naiintindihan nila. Hindi nakakahiyang magtanong, to make mistakes. Its all but part of their learning. Whats important is to know what they did wrong, understand, and know what to do next. Learning is to explore, to know and understand and part of it is to acknowledge that theres a lot more that you don’t know. Grades are just that, grades. Honors? Thats just a plus. Pero I tell them, they should do all the work– the studying, the assignments, the projects. That makes their grades totally theirs to claim.

And yan naman ang pinagmamalaki ko. Ang grades nila ay kanila. Ako lang ang cheering squad nila.

Dahil pinasok ko sila sa school na nakastructure ng ganoon ang pakatuto, I just tell my kids to enjoy school. To learn as much as they can. They don’t have to force themselves to take in everything taught if hindi nila talaga kayang intindihin. No pressure. Whats important is that they learn, they understand.
Haaayy… Worried lang siguro sa schoolwork ng mga bata. Binubuhat ko pa lang bag nila eh, gusto ko nang magreklamo sa DepEd for child abuse. hehehehe.
Pero happy pa rin ako. Grades ng mga anak ko ay lahat line of 9. Hindi naman ako masyadong proud di ba?

sinigang

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na ang fave ng mga anak ko na sinigang eh hindi pala sinigang kundi paksiw. Eh ang sinigang naman di ba ay nilagang kung anuman na inasiman ng anything maasim from sampalok, kamias to kamatis. So what’s wrong with using suka?!!!! Yung basic principle ng pagluto ng sinigang ay pareho lang, suka lang ginamit ko. Maasim yun. So sinigang siya.
Parang mechado, menudo, afritada. Pare-pareho lang naman ang luto iyan, nagkakaiba lang sa halo. Pero lahat may tomato sauce.
Kaya naman ako’y NAGITLA nang pagtawanan ako ng mga fwends nang malaman na ang secret ingredient ko ay, what else kundi si Datu Puti! May instant pampaasim naman daw. Ei, ayaw ko lasa nun. Mas at home ako sa lasa ng suka. Bakit ba. Masarap naman ang luto ko ah. Sabi nga ng mga anak ko, bakit daw di ako sumali sa cooking diva?
Ah basta.

Ingrown nail

Grrr… Sa lahat ng ayaw ko ay ang mga sakit sa kalingkingan katulad ng ingrown nail. Yun bang sakit na parang pinung-pinong dinudutdot ang iyong laman kaya’t hindi ka mapakali– ayaw mong galawin kasi masakit pero hindi mo matiis kasi nakakainis. Buti nga sana kung ganoon lang pero dahil nga hindi matiis ay siya, kinukutkot, namamaga… Ay naku, kaawa-awa ang daliri ke sa paa man yan o sa kamay. Hindi mo maigalaw, masagi lang eh, iinit agad ang ulo mo at gusto mong manghambalos ng tao.
Ayaw ko talaga sa ingrown nail. Bakit kasi hindi na lang tumubo ng maayos ang kuko at kailangan pa nitong lumiko? Kailangan pang gumastos para ipahila ang kung anumang nakasabit o naibaong kuko kasi kung papabayaan eh baka mabawasan ang fingers or toes ko.

Adversities

I was really touched by what Chin-Chin Gutierrez said in the show "The Buzz." Her mom passed away after the traumatic burning of her house in Q.C. She said, "…after everything you have is taken from you, after you are left with nothing, you are humbled and ready to be filled again with God’s blessings." I admire her bravery. Only a few can have a positive outlook amidst difficulties.

Adversities break us till we think its pointless to go on, to live. We try to control our lives, we surround ourselves with "safety nets" for any eventualities so we may survive, but still, things do happen which leave us nothing to hold on to. We fall, and when we do, we fall hard. We ask why? Why did it happen? Why me? What have I done? Sometimes, it helps to know why things happen, who is to blame, what is the mistake. But sometimes, digging for answers put us deeper into the pit. The more we cling to the past, the more we think we have lost so much, the hopeless and desperate we feel. Sometimes, it is better to let go of things that passed and move on. Understanding our past does not mean getting attached to it and bring it along as we go on living. If we say that life is a journey, is it not apt to say "travel light?" What ifs, past sorrows and pains are unnecessary baggages which could only burden us.

I admire Chin-Chin Gutierrez. I am not particularly interested in her as an actress or her uncanny belief on supernaturals and aliens hehehe. I have her Uyayi CD though– very nice. I like her courage, her optimism to be able to say that we should not give up on life, no matter how difficult or confusing our circumstances are. God is always with us and will always see us through in each adversity we face. We just have to hold on, believe that life will be better each time we wake up to every morning. Yes, adversities break us. But adversities also make us. To what, it is up to us.

Eh kasi kuya

That new mcdo ad really hit me hard. Rad, my 6 year old son is accusing me of being unfair for making him share his toys to his younger siblings and still be kind to them even if they tend to hit, smack or kick him every now and then. These two younger siblings, Max (2 years) and Aye (3 years) do have a bad habit of wanting the things being held or played by their kuya. Just like in the ad, they try to get these toys from Rad and the latter would of course, protest. To avoid a screaming session, I talk to Rad to let his brother or sister "borrow" his toys. I tell him, "pahiram mo na, kuya ka eh. Mas matanda sa kanila,mas nakakaintindi ka." He would always give-in though he’s not really happy with the deal. Lately, I notice that he would avoid his two younger siblings and if he plays, he plays by himself. He tries to hide the toys he’s playing with and he keeps his fave toys in "safe places"– far from the eyes and reach of aye and max. He’s also been telling me that I favor those two and that I don’t love him anymore.
That is heartbreaking to hear. And I feel very guilty.
Its difficult to give equal attention and affection to children even if we say we love each one. No one is capable of equality, afterall, unless you attach numerical or quantifiable values to time and emotion which you can compute and allocate to each child. As Ive always said, being a mom is hard enough and being a good one is really an "extra challenge" to a woman. I’ve been going through self help books and all the materials which we published in the NGO Ive previously worked with but still, in actuality, its difficult to apply all the things we already know and have previously learned. Its daunting when you are confronted with situations which leave you clueless and the ones you love say things that may seem nothing at first then realize, its everything they feel and think about themselves, and about you.
Maybe I have been unfair to my son by forcing him to be understanding of his younger siblings. And I am guilty of giving more time to my younger children for they seem to need more personal care. I forgot that my older kids are old enough to feel insecurity and jealousy and old enough to attach meanings to simple gestures. Rad also needs me, to feel not only know, that I love and value him.
If only giving him treats could end this drama just like in the ad. But it wont, actually. I would just end up broke.
Maybe I should revise my strategy. Giving similar toys have not been effective– the toy held by the other seem to be better than what was given even if its exactly the same. Its infuriating but thats how kids are. Telling them to play together does not do the trick for they would always fight over one toy.
Haaayyyy. Its really unfair to allow the babies to abuse older kids but what can we parents do? We can’t just detain them in one corner, can’t even scold them because they would just cry then do the same deed again. If you say "no" to max, he’ll just smile at you and continue with what he’s doing. So when it comes to issues like this, I am more inclined to talking to my older kids since they can already understand. Its unfair but what choice do I have?
Maybe I just need to hug and kiss rad more, talk to him and play with him more. Maybe I would just give him that mcdo/jolibee/turo-turo treat just like in the ad just to make him feel he’s also special. I don’t want him to feel unloved or be jealous of his siblings. Maybe I should ask him more of what he wants and actually give it to him. Maybe by doing this, he’ll know I value him, his thoughts, his choices. Maybe I should ask him to decide, to participate, to help me.
If you have other brilliant ideas, oh please, enlighten me.