It was my birthday yesterday. Big deal. My dad and sisters came over Saturday afternoon and brought cakes, spaghetti, chicken and salad to give me a pre-birthday bash. Swell. Am really touched only I was not exactly “with them.” I was struggling to keep myself awake–having no sleep for almost 48 hours, I was quite peevish and almost unhappy. Well, I was happy for the gesture but I was really looking forward to getting some sleep and the visit was some kind of intrusion to my private space. How ingrata I could be, but they’re my family. They’d understand. Mwhahahaha. Now that I actually had some sleep, I can reflect and appreciate my family’s intention to wish me happiness. My family is really a treasure and they’ve been with me through all the ups and downs of my life. 32 years–whatever happened in the past 32 years of my life? I had a happy childhood, enjoyed high school, enjoyed college, got married to a guy I really love, had 4 kids, worked in different settings… What else? I did things that I really wanted to do and also did things that Im quite ashamed of. Ive been there, done that, did this… I experienced so many things yet there’s a lot I still don’t know. 32 years old and yet, I feel like Im still beginning with learning.
Nothing profound, just a realization.
Birthdays does make you silly. When I was younger, I look forward to getting old. Now, I stopped disclosing my age and wish I could forget the actual years so that I could keep that sense of youth even if its showing in my face. Plain vanity. In retrospect, Its an indirect way of pleading that hey, time, hold on, please stop for a while so I could do more things right. I want to know more, enjoy more, do more. But of couse, time is constant in its advance and if we choose not to move with it, its time lost and entirely our fault. Had I wasted time? No, I don’t think so. I am what I am now due to the things I did in the past. I made right moves but also made a lot of mistakes. I wish I haven’t done those errors so I could have not hurt people, disappointed them and myself but things happen for a reason. Let’s say, I learned from them and realized I have the strength and the “face” to carry on. I had fun and was happy but there were also many times of despair, tears and sadness. I had joy and good times there were so many instances that relationships get tested, threatening the foundations Ive always believed on: marriage, friendship, family. There were times of prosperity but also poverty and utter hopelessness. Like I had cash to burn and suddenly, I don’t have a single cent to buy milk for my kids that I have to borrow money left and right. As I said, Ive been to places, did this, done that…
32 years. Seemed like forever but not quite. I have not wasted time. Things happened because they’re meant to happen and its how I take things that make the difference. Maybe I just have a different perspective on life but Im sure, everyone is in the pursuit of giving meaning to living, di ba?
Me, old? Well, if you count the years against yours, maybe. And I do not give a damn.
