Its complicated

Cool under fire. That is difficult. To be cool during difficult circumstances. Imagine, mustering all that grace and civility when all hell is breaking loose and you feel like screaming, cursing and yeah, hitting things and killing certain people. Whew, admirable indeed.
Oh well, people have different temperaments and threshold levels to pain ehehehe. Am sorry to admit that I do not have the talent to control my heart, mind and mouth. I try to be rational when subjected to uncomfortable situations but most often than not, I get irritated and if I crack, my mouth works faster than my brain. Kaya minsan, nasasabak ako sa isang discussion a.k.a shouting match or I say hurtful things which I regret later. I believe in being true to what you feel. Magpakatotoo, sister at huwag magpakaplastik. I do not like pretending to be nicey with anyone that I’d rather never see. Kaya lang yun nga, minsan, nagiging medyo war freak ako. I tend to be offensive, sarcastic and rude to people I really dont like. And thats bad, sabi nga ng mga anak ko.
Ang hirap naman kasi maging mabait. Hindi naman kasi ako manhid. Its difficult to project an image of cool confidence when you feel all your guts have been exposed and you have no one to trust or to lean on. People can at least once in their life succumb to pain, to drown in misery and helplessness, to die within one’s self? Certainly, people can be resilient and have diverse coping mechanisms but surely, strength and resilience can only be stretched so far. There are limits.
Haaay… People say that adversities should make you strong. Parang slogan, "be strong.." "do not lose hope"…. What I mean is, sure, pag may problema ka, magpakatatag ka… Pero wouldn’t it be a lot better if you clear your heart and mind of all pain and anger to be able to think clearly? And to do that? Well, I cry, cry my heart out until my eyes get swollen. I drink coffee like there will be no coffee tomorrow, I smoke till my lungs scream with protest. I hit my walls. I shout, I write, I talk. At my lowest, I look and feel like it. I have to bring it all out. And from that point, I start to make another beginning for myself.
Ah, ewan. being cool under fire is a tall order for me. Its difficult especially when you are subjected to a difficult situation by people close to you, by people you have to deal with everyday at home, work, or in school and by people you love so much. Siguro, there are people capable of being focused and rational even in situations of extreme pressure and stress. Its just that hindi ako katulad nila.